Going nuclear (figurative): To get extremely angry and start behaving in a forceful or irrational way
I am quite frankly, stunned, at the number of ‘my best friend’ stories amongst the bereaved mothers club. Best friends who we grew up with, who were our bridesmaids, who we were bridesmaids to, who we’re godparents for etc. who just disappeared when our babies did. Every single one of us has so many of these stories.
It reminds me of the ‘My Best Fiend’ books growing up, did anyone else read them? How similar the word fiend is to the word friend. Just one typo away.
So, today, when I am so upset beyond words, so very heartbroken, I am going to do the one thing I shouldn’t do: I am going to blog about it.
Please know that this is not one person, but an amalgamation of many people.
- My best friend read my entire blog, which was basically like reading my diary, hearing my heart break and said nothing.
- My best friend (who has barely spoken to me since Summer died) had a baby girl last week, and text me 12 whole words to tell me the news. Two of which were “Hi Anj”.
- My best friend who had no idea I had been writing, saw that I had launched a BABY LOSS BLOG and said “Congratulations – real “news”, so rare these days!”
- My best friend read my whole blog when I launched it (approx. 20 blogs) and said just three words: “thinking of you”. Never heard from her about it again, no idea if she’s still reading.
- My best friend was sent a photo and a video of my baby girl. She saw them, waited until the next day, said “there are no words” and that was that.
- My best friend said nothing to me for 7 weeks, then sent me flowers for my due date (I gave those flowers away).
- My best friend said “I haven’t read your blogs, I want to support you in person”, but then didn’t follow up.
- My best friend said she’s been reading my blogs but has been too tired to send me a message about them.
- My best friend barely spoke to me but then sent me STUFF (still no cards or words) in the post which, I think, was supposed to somehow make me feel better.
- My best friend said everything, except sorry.
Can you see how silence breaks the heart? You have broken my heart.
My baby died and you said so little. She was not a bunch of cells. She lived for an hour and she has a birth certificate. It breaks my heart that I have to convince you that she was real. She was real. Like your children, she was real.
I know you have your reasons. I have spent so many months trying to think of your reasons, crying about you. I have mourned for us.
I am sorry if you think I just killed our friendship. You might not be able to forgive me for this, but that’s ok. I’m not sure I can forgive you for your inaction either. I am sorry for using this medium, but I needed to have this said.
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