Living With Grief

Launch Day

Launch (verb): To start or set in motion

Dear actual-real-life, someone-other-than-me reader,

So it’s here: Tuesday 9th June 2020, it’s “launch” day for my blog. No party, no fanfare, just a few messages to let friends and family know that I’ve privately been scribbling away at a blog (and hopefully to stop people simply asking “How Are You?”)

I decided to unveil it today as it’s three months to the day that we lost Summer. Three whole months. It feels so much longer. Three months in itself brings a new season, so it does however feel rather fitting.

My greatest hope is that it touches and helps a stranger. My greatest fear is that it inadvertently offends someone who’s been through it. Please know that all of my individual blogs have been written quickly, in one sitting, with my main intention being to process and heal. Cheesy as that sounds. I just need to get this out of my head. I need to see it on paper and I need people to understand what it’s like and why I say and do the things I do. Funerals do not bring closure, nothing does. But blogs may bring healing? Who knows, it’s worth a shot (and Hamilton taught me to never throw away my shot).

I’ve felt quite proud putting this together, especially learning a completely new tech skill (I genuinely still don’t know how to work my living room TV, but I’m secretly proud of that odd fact too) and being able to structure the rambling thoughts in my mad head, quite prettily on the page.

Now that it’s time to put it all out there in the public domain, it’s terrifying. In this journey of grief, people have called me strong and brave; I don’t feel any of those things, I never have. I just keep getting up each day. In all honesty, all I feel right now is a little bit sick, knowing that people are going to be taking a deep dive into my head soon. I’m glad it’s a weekday and that I have a busy work day to distract me.

Please let me know if you love it, hate it, if you have suggested topics or want to hear more about something. All I ask is that you’re brave and use the comments function, so please do interact on here. (If ever I revisit a certain frame of mind, I plan to revisit the post and your comments too). More than anything, I hope that you too get something from my Mumoirs. I really do.

So, it’s time. This blog is for my three babies. It’s been brought to fruition however on this sunny day, for my beautiful Summer, to help me through this dark winter of my life, without her.

While I should still be growing a bump, I’ll be nurturing a pile of blogs.

Ready for an understatement?

Man, that sucks.

With love, Anjulie xx

(7) Comments

  1. Richard says:

    Well done, Anj. Thank you for the insights. It’s hard to comprehend how these events affect us until it’s someone you know.

  2. I didn’t know you had/have so much fear and anger bouncing around in your head. I don’t know if those are the correct words from me but I do know you don’t want me pussyfooting around with sweet little comments! You want it straight up and hopefully those who read and comment will say things how you want them said (does that even make sense!). I’m not a woman so there are some emotions and feelings I can’t experience but you know how I feel about you (and the good doctor). Much love.

  3. Jess says:

    Anjulie, thank you so much for sharing this so openly and honestly. It must have been so hard to write. I hope that the process of writing it helps you on your journey through this heart-wrenching situation. I haven’t experienced baby loss myself but so many of my friends have, both miscarriages and neonatal death and I really thank you for allowing me the opportunity to understand and listen to your experience. Wishing you healing and peace in your future, even if you don’t feel you have that right now. xx

  4. Kathleen says:

    Hi Anjulie
    This is a beautiful way to remember your three little ones. I have no doubt it will help so many people. We were all so deeply affected reading your words.Sometimes we don’t know or don’t say or do the ‘right thing’ but we felt your and James pain so deeply and felt helpless because we couldn’t make it better . In writing this blog, you have created a safe and heartfelt space for people to share their thoughts and feelings. I hope it brings comfort and peace to all but most especially to you and James . Much Love Kathleen x

  5. Vicky says:

    Anj these blogs are a brave, eloquent, thoughtful, bruthful☺️ insight into such a painful time for you both and you should never underestimate the impact your words have.
    My words are less eloquent…baby loss is utter crap, and I am so sorry you have had to experience this pain three times.
    I have suffered just a fraction of what you have (and I know it’s not a competition) but by you opening up and sharing your feelings I have felt so much less alone in dealing with my grief, so thank you for being strong enough to say what I have been unable to.
    I’m am so sorry this ever had to happen to you, but incredibly proud of how you’re helping others, and eternally grateful for how you’ve helped me. All my love xxx

  6. Jen says:

    I’ve just read your entire blog, after finding it on a Facebook group we are both unfortunately a part of.

    You have an excellent way with words, it’s something I wish I had and you’ve certainly reflected a lot of my thoughts and feelings since my 3 late miscarriages, but actually putting it into words is something I very much struggle to do, you’ve inspired me to possibly write down my thoughts as well at some point – this is your bravery

    My overwhelming feeling when each of the posts is taken into consideration is that you are a very kind and thoughtful person who is doing such a good job at ensuring you thank others for the part they have played in helping you through this awful process you’ve had to endure – this is your strength

    Medical staff continuely told me how brave and strong I was as well, particularly after my most recent loss. My answer was that I don’t feel that at all, just like you have said. The reason being that I believed these traits must come about through a concious choice being made to overcome a challenge. But I never made any choice, these things just happened to me and, had I been given a choice, I would not having taken this ‘brave, strong’ choice! Therefore I came to the conclusion that I could not be strong or brave. However, I’m beginning to understand their viewpoint that despite not having a choice in the matter, I am finding ways to cope with what’s happened. – this is what you’ve done so well here with your blog, you’ve taken your losses and used those feelings to help others, thank others who helped you and better understand your feelings and the process you’re going through.

    I particularly found your blog about how you thanked the people who cared for you in hospital very helpful.

    I know that I want to thank those who helped me particularly because I have experienced 5 different births in 4 different hospitals so far and this hospital and their staff stand out so far in the way they helped me and treated me. However, asking for all their names is as far as I have got so far. I feel like anything I say, give or do to them will not be enough. But your blog and your words have helped because I know if I was on the receiving end of them I would truly appreciate it. I’m sure those who received those words felt very much appreciated by you and James.

    I’m so sorry for your losses, I hope you continue to heal and find your happy place.

    1. Anjulie says:

      Dear Jen,

      Although I’m supposed to be one for words, I am utterly speechless. I’m honestly still waiting to catch my breath after your stunning message, so I’m not sure how can you say that you don’t have a way with words!

      Thank you so much for reading the entire long-winded thing and for being kind and brave enough to comment (I know we hate that brave word!) I am overjoyed that you seem to have got something out of reading it, that was always my biggest wish when launching the blog last week.

      I have so many more blogs in my head, I just need to find the time. If you would like to subscribe to the blog, I would absolutely love that. I’ve found some strength in writing and knowing that people are listening. And if it helps, please let me know if there’s something you want to have discussed etc.

      I am sorry that we are in this club, as you said so beautifully – we did not choose this. But now that we are here, I’m glad that some good can come of it. I hope you’ll keep in touch, but regardless, I wish you all the best on your journey. If it helps, write! You’re amazing at it.

      You really have made my day. It’s hard to have good days at the moment, but I know I’ll revisit your comment on the bad ones. Love, Anjulie xx

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