Asynchronous (adjective): Not existing or occurring at the same time
One of the cleverest phrases on this blog, was obviously not my own. It was James’ when he spoke about “asynchronous grief” – I can barely spell it, but I can just about say it.
He touched upon the idea that people don’t necessarily grieve at the same times, let alone in the same way. He is so right, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s something we have definitely struggled with.
I wish I could say that we’re a couple, where baby loss has brought us closer, but I don’t think it has. I’m actually surprised that more couples don’t break up over it. To say that baby loss has been hard on our (fifteen year) relationship, is an understatement.
I am a talker, he is a thinker. I am a planner, he is a doer. I am impatient, he is patient, I am THE patient. It’s no wonder that we grieve differently. So when I saw this post on Instagram, it was like the penny had dropped:
While James identified with the villager/pioneer, I am very much a pilgrim/voyager. We have the exact opposite grief traits:
|Will gravitate towards external help||Has internal toolkit for grief|
|Has willingness to truly sit with grief||Will propel self out of grief, as quickly as possible|
|Looks for meaning||Very logical|
|Pausing is key||Movement is key|
I guess I’m only sharing this:
a) In the hope that it may help others to identify their own grief archetype
b) To realise that not all couples are on the same page when it comes to baby loss
c) To remember that men grieve too
That last bit’s a reminder for myself, mainly. Last year I heard James singing downstairs in the kitchen and it annoyed me, but it wasn’t his fault that he was happy, while I was sad in that moment. I wish we could have been sad together, we’ve always been happy together, so why not sad? Cue the joyous asynchronicity of grief.
My husband will likely never read this blog, I do not understand that. Then again, I’m an oversharer, so this is the complete opposite of his style too. The point about opposites, is that it’s hard for them to ‘get’ one another. Even though opposites – supposedly – attract.
So while I’m saying it’s ok that we grieve differently, but bruthfully, not really believing that, I guess I just have to be grateful for all the other pilgrims I’ve met along the way.
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