Living With Grief


Misconception (noun): A view or opinion that is incorrect because it’s based on faulty thinking or understanding

People may think we don’t want to be reminded of their deaths We’re terrified that people will forget
People may think there’s not much to say Look how much blog content there is. We’ve so many tales to tell
People may think we weren’t pregnant for very long Pause. Appreciate how many thoughts you have a minute, an hour, a day – feel how much time we had?
People may say “it’s ok, you’ll conceive again” Future pregnancies are not replacements, they do not eradicate today’s pain
People may think “but they weren’t here for very long” Death changes everything in an instant
People may not know how to support us We said donate to charity, give blood, comment on Mumoirs, share the link, stop the taboo
People may not think of them as babies We think of them as babies
People may not want to bother us in our grief We feel your absence
People say “you’ll get pregnant again” You don’t know that
People may wonder how you can feel so much about something you never had We know about love at first sight
People may not want to say the wrong thing Your silence will never be right

NB. In case anyone is wondering how I came up with this list, it’s how I thought before my miscarriages versus how I feel now. It’s a steep learning curve for all, myself included.


(4) Comments

  1. Ruth Ireland says:

    This is such a greater reminder of so many misconceptions said really well and to the point. This could really help people who want to know how to support people grieving the loss of a baby. I know it’s been helpful for me. Thanks for sharing. X

  2. Kim Nurse says:

    All so very true and honest ❤️

  3. Rhi says:

    What a brilliant and easy-to-take-in way of showing people the contrast of what they are thinking to what you are feeling and thinking. So many of these have happened to us. I’ve said this to you before, but I have always felt oddly lucky that although we lost the boys, we lost them at such a late stage and that Arlo survived for the 29 days that he did, it meant people actually acknowledged their presence and their life. But even with that it’s been hard with subsequent pregnancies and even where the kids were born safe and sound, for people to ‘forget’ that we had a pregnancy before them (like when I was pregnant with Eli and people referred to it as my second pregnancy), that there were two children before these two, that I am a mum of 4. It is exhausting reminding people of that fact.

    Like I said, I still feel oddly lucky, because I had a huge amount of acknowledgement at the time and then from those most important to me as we go through life that the boys were here, they are a part of our family and always missed. For people who lose babies at such an early stage that they don’t even feel able to share the brief flash of life they created and planned for is heartbreaking, to not be able to share the grief of what they have lost must be impossibly hard. I will always remember that you’re already a mum of 3 beautiful babies, and we will be here and love them regardless of whether you go on to have more or not, that whatever route your life takes and whatever other joys come into it, that BoC, My Baby and Summer will always be a part of your family, and therefore a part of ours too xx

  4. Claire says:

    This post is incredibly useful. We are so often, caught up in not wanting to put pressure on those in grief or not wanting to say the wrong thing. In reality, just being there and not being absent is just so important. I have found it such an honour to hear about your children and your journey and I just hope that when I say the insensitive stuff, you see the true heart behind my words and not my clumsy delivery (I know you do, btw, but it does not harm to say it again).

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