Square one (noun): A starting point; initial stage or step
I woke up today, and it’s tough as hell.
Nearly three months later, and I’m completely caught off guard, as I thought it had been getting better. Ahh the joys of grief.
This is what it’s like today:
• My heart hurts. It’s so heavy, I can feel it
• My head’s hazy, yet racing
• My eyes will not stop crying
• My tummy’s nervous
• It’s hard to breathe
I’ve been working on this blog a lot, so that’s helped to compartmentalise the grief immeasurably. I.e. “I feel sad, I write a blog, I stop writing when I feel less sad, I go about my day” – a pretty good coping mechanism, most of the time. But today, I’m having a bad grief day again. I just need it to be over and to try again tomorrow.
It’s not back to square one, that first inconsolable month, where I didn’t want to get out of bed, or get dressed or do anything. It’s more like back to square three, which is progress, but it’s still pretty brutal.