Mother (noun): A woman in relation to her child or children
(verb): Bring up (a child) with care and affection
(verb): Give birth to
Firstly, apologies to those who have been through baby loss and who answer this question with an unequivocal “yes”. Good, I’m pleased.
It’s just that for me, it’s something I’m struggling with. It’s laughable really: Here I am, with a blog called Mumoirs, wondering if I’m even a mum.
After my first adult experience with baby loss – which was not my own, but my sister-in-law’s – I had it straight in my head: She was a mum. She carried those babies. I should have congratulated her on becoming a mum when she was with bump, why was I waiting for them to be born? I never got to congratulate her on her title promotion. Her mum did though, during that bittersweet time, with a little “it’s a boy!” balloon. I always thought a lot of her mum for doing that.
And it’s true, when I then went on to carry my three babies, I thought of myself as a mum then. But note the past tense.
I look back and think “that was when I was a mum” – not now.
Not now my tummy and arms are empty. Instead, I keep thinking “mums get to keep their babies, mums get to raise their children”. So when people tried to wish me a Happy Mothers’ Day, soon after we lost Summer, I was not receptive. I had just two thoughts: this is not a happy day, I am not a mum.
What I’ve come to realise during this time, is that grief has put me in a “heart over head” situation. Usually I’m very structured, organised – usually my head rules over my heart. But it’s different now. Though I look at the three definitions of the word “Mother” above and my head logically realises that I tick two of those three boxes, my heart’s just not buying it.
I told my counsellor, that’s when I’ll know I’m ok again: when I’m back as a “head over heart” person and can listen to the rationale of my head, and believe it.
But for now, it’s heart over head: And in my heart, I know I’m not a mum.
A quote I came across:
‘When a child is born, it is the mother’s instinct to protect the baby. When a child dies, it is the mother’s instinct to protect the memory.’
Your blog is beautifully written and an amazing tribute to your three precious babies x
I can understand and empathise so much with this, but I really do, hand on heart, believe you are a mum, you ARE a mum to your three beautiful babies. Just like you’ve said to me before, you’re a mum from the second you know there is a baby there. Before you know it you’ve planned out a whole life for them, they exist in your heart, your head and those of your family and friends. I’m in no doubt whatsoever that you’re a mum. I hope one day you really feel like one xxx
What you really want is to be able to shower your children with love and care, one they are out in this world, living and breathing – that’s the motherhood you want ( understandably) and the way that your heart is defining motherhood.
What would you call a group of pregnant ladies? I’d call them “mums”
And certainly you showered love and care on BoC, My Baby and Summer for as long as you knew them with you.
In my book, that definitely makes you a mum, but in your eyes, not yet the full potential, the full fulfilment of the mum that you want to/know you can be xxx
I think that’s what you’re saying anyway… Obviously correct me if I’m wrong!