My Musings

The Bruth-o-Meter

Inappropriate (adjective): Not suitable or proper in the circumstances

You know, I don’t think it would take much for me to be crowned “Queen of the Inappropriate”. All I would have to do, is dial up the bruth-o-meter, to say the awful things I’ve genuinely thought in response to some of the (admittedly kind) things that people have said, in order to comfort me.

This is a tough blog to publish, because I do think it’s better to say something (and even the imperfect thing) than to not say anything. I therefore have to appreciate that all that was said, was done with good intentions and so my real life responses were to smile and nod, to appear grateful. But what was mainly tact, felt like a lie.

There are lies, there are truths and then, there are my bruths (brutal truths). So here on my blog, my outlet, here are the things I (on some level) really wanted to say:

“I would do anything to take your pain away”
Would you trade your baby?

“You and another friend, I’m praying for you both.”
If you could only pick one of us, who would it be?

“I wanted to wait until I was 20 weeks pregnant to tell you”
If you lost your baby now, do you think you would lose your mind, like I did?

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through”
Yeah you can, try. Try until you cry.

“You should treat yourself! Can you think of something you want?” (he meant something in the coffee shop)
A baby.

“It’s rainbow baby day! I hope you have yours soon”
My rainbow baby died.

“Have you considered surrogacy?”
When you said that the miscarriages weren’t my fault, were you lying?

“Have you considered adoption?”
Have YOU ever considered adoption?

“So what have you been up to?”
Grieving mainly. Oh and wondering if I’m depressed.

“We’re pregnant again”
But it’s not your turn.

“My wife is heavily pregnant so it wouldn’t be fair on anyone”
Oh, f**k off.

I don’t know why I want to share these. They certainly don’t cast me in a good light. And so I’ve been wondering, if that’s the point? Because when you’re unable to have a baby, you start to wonder why. Which then makes me (personally) wonder how a baby would be better off without me anyway. A glimpse of my inner monologue should do the trick.

Interesting, I don’t think I’m having a go at other people for once. I’m just very hard to please, as perhaps, all of the above, goes to show. Who would want a mum like that? Rhetorical question, you can spare me your bruth!

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(4) Comments

  1. Amy says:

    Good for you. The universe has repeatedly and horribly shat on you. It gave you Summer and then it took her away. You are entitled to rage and scream and feel and say whatever you like and if that’s hard for people to hear then they should be thankful they’ve never been in such a dark place themselves. You’re not a bad person, you’re a person that bad stuff is happening to. And I genuinely think that the fact that you are able to give voice to your anger and pain is healthy.

  2. Kim says:

    I agree whole heartedly with Amy! And it’s not meant offensively to others. How can anyone know how those comments feel to someone who’s lost a baby, until you’re in that position and it is said to you? We all need to think more, feel more, and read the signs ( and your blog).

  3. Melanie says:

    Amy’s comment is very well said. I am sure we all think a lot of things we wouldn’t say out loud when someone makes a comment that is insensitive or – perhaps – makes light of something that affects us personally. It doesn’t make us bad people – it makes us human, and that’s the bruth. Xxx

  4. Monique says:

    I love this! I’ve felt like saying this as a response many times . This blogging page of yours brings healing to my little heart ❤️

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