Inappropriate (adjective): Not suitable or proper in the circumstances
You know, I don’t think it would take much for me to be crowned “Queen of the Inappropriate”. All I would have to do, is dial up the bruth-o-meter, to say the awful things I’ve genuinely thought in response to some of the (admittedly kind) things that people have said, in order to comfort me.
This is a tough blog to publish, because I do think it’s better to say something (and even the imperfect thing) than to not say anything. I therefore have to appreciate that all that was said, was done with good intentions and so my real life responses were to smile and nod, to appear grateful. But what was mainly tact, felt like a lie.
There are lies, there are truths and then, there are my bruths (brutal truths). So here on my blog, my outlet, here are the things I (on some level) really wanted to say:
“I would do anything to take your pain away”
Would you trade your baby?
“You and another friend, I’m praying for you both.”
If you could only pick one of us, who would it be?
“I wanted to wait until I was 20 weeks pregnant to tell you”
If you lost your baby now, do you think you would lose your mind, like I did?
“I can’t imagine what you’re going through”
Yeah you can, try. Try until you cry.
“You should treat yourself! Can you think of something you want?” (he meant something in the coffee shop)
“It’s rainbow baby day! I hope you have yours soon”
My rainbow baby died.
“Have you considered surrogacy?”
When you said that the miscarriages weren’t my fault, were you lying?
“Have you considered adoption?”
Have YOU ever considered adoption?
“So what have you been up to?”
Grieving mainly. Oh and wondering if I’m depressed.
“We’re pregnant again”
But it’s not your turn.
“My wife is heavily pregnant so it wouldn’t be fair on anyone”
Oh, f**k off.
I don’t know why I want to share these. They certainly don’t cast me in a good light. And so I’ve been wondering, if that’s the point? Because when you’re unable to have a baby, you start to wonder why. Which then makes me (personally) wonder how a baby would be better off without me anyway. A glimpse of my inner monologue should do the trick.
Interesting, I don’t think I’m having a go at other people for once. I’m just very hard to please, as perhaps, all of the above, goes to show. Who would want a mum like that? Rhetorical question, you can spare me your bruth!
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