Fourth (numerical): Constituting of number four in a sequence
I don’t know how to do this, to write this blog that I have spent weeks attempting and abandoning in my head. Try as I might, there is no easy way for me to say this, especially to a community that has done nothing but support me for the last two years. Despite being the girl with all the blogs, I’m currently lost for words, but here goes…
I have news that makes me tentatively happy, though I know that it might simultaneously make you sad: from tomorrow, I will be 27 weeks.
I understand that this might be a shock to you, that this may elicit very mixed and perhaps unwanted feelings. I know that, because I’ve felt them too, remember? I blogged about these types of announcements here and here (it’s almost two years to the day, since I posted the latter). So I promise you, I get it and it’s normal and it’s fine. All emotions are truly welcome, heck, they’re encouraged.
I know what it feels like to be the last woman standing, as all my real-life, then baby loss friends moved on to their happily ever after. I’m sorry if this, in some way, makes you feel like that too, that I have abandoned you. I really haven’t, but I understand how it can seem like that, how it can feel like betrayal. So I do want to particularly apologise for the length of time it’s taken me to pluck up the courage to post this. Given my history, it’s taken a long while for me to accept that this might actually be happening and that there may be a different outcome this time. I still struggle with that belief and in all honesty, we are still just taking it day by day, hoping that the confidence grows.
Though our situation has changed, I am still me. Terrified, hopeful and everything in between. I believe that better days are coming, for you and for me. So I’m sorry if this particular blog hurts you, I really am. I hope tomorrow is more gentle, with fewer cow-bags making unsolicited announcements to mess with your day.
With love, Anjulie xx
P.S. Rest assured that I will NOT be posting ANY scans, bump pics, daft fruit comparisons or anything at all like that, either here or on my Instagram account, going forwards. Mumoirs is and always has been, a baby loss blog, and my utmost aim is to be respectful of that and of you, my primary audience, who have been my support network during the darkest and most difficult times. I do however have a lot of thoughts on carrying again after loss, which I may well post, at some point (if of use/interest). I haven’t yet decided. In the meantime, any questions, please feel free to get in touch.
I have always said that I wanted to end this blog (i.e. the entire website) on a high and James also said he has always wanted to end our fertility journey on a ‘win’, so perhaps, somewhere down the line, we may well get to do just that. Fingers, toes and cervix crossed.
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