My Musings

It’s Not That Easy

Easy (adjective): Achieved without great effort; presenting few difficulties, free from worries or problems

“Ok great, so just give us a call when you’re pregnant”

Not quite word-for-word what they said, but pretty much.

After putting all our hope into the recurrent miscarriage clinic and the mantra “they will help us now”, they completed their tests in December, found I had the PAI 4G/5G gene mutation (so there’s a new course of action for “next” time I’m pregnant) and fobbed us off with the above.

Only, it’s not that easy.

Getting pregnant and staying pregnant – those two things are definitely not my forte. In fact, they’re probably two of the things I’m worst at. I always thought that geography and driving were my Achilles heel, yet here I sit, barren womb, corrected.

It’s just not that easy.

First off, I had to wait for the end of my six months of simple endometrial hyperplasia treatment. I was hoping I’d get pregnant fairly quickly. Not that we had before, but just because I figured we were due some good luck.

Only, it’s not that easy.

Because, what are you supposed to do, when your body has physically given up too?

When they finished the treatment to my womb, my periods were supposed to return immediately (they had stopped completely) and so they assured me that I’d have one within a few weeks. 11 WEEKS later, I finally had a period. 7 WEEKS after that, I had another.

Sometimes I wonder if my body is as sad, or as broken, as my heart is. I think it’s done.

“Ok great, so just give us a call when you’re pregnant”

Myself, other people and our doctors, are just hoping I’ll get pregnant now. Summer died a long time ago, after all. So to spare myself the speculation, I hold my tummy in when I see people (I don’t want people thinking I might be pregnant, when I’m not) and I accept the alcoholic drinks, imbibing my hollow status.

But with the world’s most irregular cycles and having only ovulated twice in the time that normal people will have done so four times, well:

It’s just not that easy.

So no, I can’t “just” relax, go on holiday, hold a healing crystal, sniff lemongrass, take a pile of supplements or channel good vibes only. Wishing on dandelions with my goddaughter (unsurprisingly) hasn’t helped either.

“Ok great, so just give us a call when you’re pregnant”

I’m not sure the doctors realise how much pressure there is in that statement. Just yet another person telling you to go-it-alone whilst awaiting good news, to gloss over everything in between. It’s not the most supportive thing I’ve ever heard, then again, it’s not the worst either.

Call you when I’m pregnant? Huh, it seems the line(ing of my womb) is dead.

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(2) Comments

  1. Kim says:

    Oh anjulie. Sending you the biggest hug. I have hope. Try to hold to it with me! Xx

  2. Karen Palmer says:

    What a lot, both body and spirit, you have been through in the last two years, Anjulie. I’m so sorry. And I know each month must seem so long and time so precious. Somewhere, within it, to find a place of rest and peace and healing – must be so difficult, but what everyone who loves you longs for you. Sending you very much love xx

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