My Musings

We Deserve the Crystal Balls

Glimpse (noun): To see something or someone for a very short time or only partly

If you had a crystal ball, what would you look for?

What would “normal” people want to glimpse into the future to see? Maybe they’d check to see who’s still alive, where they’re living, whether they seemed happy, who they’re still friends with, what they look like now. Simple things perhaps: Who got married? Who got rich? Who got fat?

But I imagine there’s a whole host of people who wouldn’t want to look at all, a huge cohort of them in fact. I surmise that these are the happier or contented folk, those who wouldn’t want to jinx it or to find something they didn’t necessarily want to, to see something they couldn’t then unsee. I think I used to be in this group. The sensible, risk averse, largely content ones.

Ha, not anymore.

And therein lies the challenge: find me the couple, struggling with fertility who WOULDN’T want to look into a crystal ball. You’ll struggle to find one, because we need to see where we are in all this, how this all ends.

We, who have had hope, lost hope, found hope, lost hope, held hope, relinquished hope, held, loved, lost, given up.

We, opening the new pot of folic acid, the next pack of ovulation tests, peeing on sticks, waiting on the appointments, begging the health professionals, bleeding every month.

We, who live our lives on hold, who live in the “what if?”, a space in our heads where we can only imagine, but never quite dream into being.

We, queuing up for the reflexology, acupuncture, yoga, meditations, the “healthy egg” supplements, trying the seed cycling or anything which just might help (at this point, I’d try anything short of voodoo).

We, who are killing time, yet losing time.

First deserve, then desire.

We deserve, we desire.

We deserve the crystal balls.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera

(Song lyrics by Doris Day and Frank De Vol)

N.B. This blog is for all my friends who, as the year draws to an end, continue to fight these battles, month after month. I wish we could hand out crystal balls. You are my heroes.

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