National Childbirth Trust (NCT): The UK’s largest parent charity. The mission is to support parents through the first 1000 days: from the beginning of pregnancy through to a child’s second birthday
We recently completed an antenatal NCT course, the main aim being to make some friends in our local area (who also have no idea how to raise a baby!) and to pick up some do’s and don’ts regarding parenthood.
The course ran over a number of weeks and afterwards I wanted to share my thoughts with the NCT, from a baby loss perspective.
I have now received the NCT’s response and am really pleased they may take my suggestions on board. With that in mind – please see the email trail below. If you have any additional thoughts and comments, don’t be shy about letting me / NCT know about your experience too.
To: enquiries@nct.org.uk
Subject: NCT suggestion/feedback w.r.t baby loss
Sent: 10 November 2022
Hi,
I am currently attending NCT classes in my local area and the classes have been very informative – so thank you. I do however want to feed back some of my personal experiences and suggestions, which I feel may help countless couples going forwards.
By way of introduction, this is my fourth pregnancy. My first two ended in first trimester miscarriage, my third in second-trimester neonatal loss – our daughter, Summer, lived for just one hour after being born. As you can imagine, this fourth pregnancy has been psychologically challenging – we didn’t want to book NCT classes for the third trimester (that mystical much coveted dream-like land!), in case we were “jinxing” the pregnancy, but after checking your flexible refund/cancellation policy, felt assured that we weren’t counting our chickens, but being prudent parents.
Thankfully, we kept ticking off the milestones and finally made it to the start of NCT classes – entirely new ground for us. Though excited, I was really nervous about attending them and meeting the other parents. I fully intended to share our fertility history with the wider group, but unfortunately we were not given the opportunity. Each week, we did little icebreakers, but there was never the chance to share what we’d been through – even with the course leader. Each meeting, I would prepare myself for telling everyone, each meeting I came home deflated.
What’s more, the longer the elephant was in the room, the longer we felt like outliers. When asked who had read any baby books, every hand shot up, but ours. Questions about who had already bought their buggies and decorated the nursery, elicited the same response. We were the anomaly. It’s not that we were being extremely laid-back parents, it’s because of our history, we were terrified that it would all end. We couldn’t yet believe that we would be bringing a baby home, so we couldn’t yet do all the “normal” stuff. I was desperate to explain this to the group. Instead we just seemed and felt strange.
Eventually the opportunity arose. During a group session discussing the pros and cons of pethidine as pain management, I piped up “actually, I’ve had pethidine in labour before”, and then went on to give a little background about this being our fourth pregnancy and about the neonatal birth/death of our daughter in 2020. After it was out, I felt immense relief. In the break, two women approached me to offer condolences and to speak about it (it was the first time I felt I could be completely honest/myself) and the course facilitator thanked me for sharing our history. When I got home, a third woman text to say that [sentence deleted for her privacy]. Most recently, we have learnt that another couple on the course [sentence deleted for their privacy].
Since it is estimated that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss during pregnancy or birth in the UK (and in 2020, 1 in every 225 pregnancies ended in stillbirth – both statistics from Tommy’s) and given that NCT groups can often have 6-8 couples participating, surely the probability of a couple in the room having a sensitive fertility history is high. What I’m wondering now, is whether these couples do/do not want this acknowledged or known; to the NCT facilitator, to the wider group or both.
Given our experience, I was keen to understand if it had been a unique one. I write a baby loss blog (www.Mumoirs.co.uk) and have a linked Instagram account (@Anjulies_Mumoirs), with over fifteen hundred contacts who have experienced baby loss / fertility / infertility / pregnancy / pregnancy after loss etc. I have spoken to many from the baby loss community and those outside of it too (i.e those who have been completely untouched by fertility issues). I asked everyone – up and down the country – the same question:
“When you did NCT, did your group leader ask your about your fertility history either before or during the course?”
Not one person replied yes.
Suggestions:
- NCT facilitators could privately ask a couple about their fertility history. I don’t want to share examples, but ours made some inadvertent insensitive comments, which I’m confident would not have been made, had she known our fertility history. A simple text or email message before the course starts to ask “is there anything in your fertility history that you would like just me / the group to know (e.g. miscarriage, infertility, IVF etc), so that we can be sensitive to your experience?”
- A couple should be asked if they would like the opportunity to share their history. Many couples may say “no”, which is absolutely fine, but if a couple responds “yes”, the NCT facilitator should work with them to decide how and when this could best be done.
Is this something you could think about implementing across your nationwide scheme? It feels to me like a small change, which could make a huge amount of difference to many families, like ours, all around the UK.
Baby loss and infertility are still a taboo subject, but they needn’t be. Sometimes, it’s just the small things that help. For many of us, getting pregnant is the dream, but there are aspects of pregnancy (and pregnancy after loss), which can also be a bit of a nightmare. As such, I am keen to do all that I can to raise awareness of baby loss / fertility challenges and to make things easier for other couples, wherever I can. To that end, I look forward to receiving your thoughts on this and your response.
Many Thanks,
Anjulie
From: Complaints@nct.org.uk
Subject: NCT suggestion/feedback w.r.t baby loss
Sent: 25 November 2022
Dear Anjulie,
My name is xxx, and I am the Complaints Officer for the NCT, and sorry for the delayed reply.
I have been passed your email by my colleague in the Enquiries team. Whilst I appreciate your feedback and suggestions are not a complaint, they have been passed to me so I can ensure they are passed on to colleagues to review and action.
I would like to start by saying how very sorry I am to hear of your previous losses. I therefore appreciate you reaching out with your feedback even more as I am sure it is difficult to bring up this subject.
You are right to highlight that baby loss and infertility are still taboo subjects in society. We are aware at NCT there is always more we can do to normalise these discussions and also support those affected.
I am sorry you were not given the opportunity during the session to share your experience and I understand this made you feel detached from the group.
I am very grateful for your suggestions of how we could offer an opportunity for those attending a course to feel comfortable to share their story if they wished.
During the booking journey there is a text box where you can add comments for your practitioner. However I appreciate this is only at the point of booking, and may not feel the appropriate place to share personal and sensitive experiences.
I have shared your email with my manager to review the way we engage with those attending a course, before the sessions starts. So that everyone feels comfortable to share their previous experiences if they wish.
Again I would like to thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with us, and valued suggestions which will be raised with senior managers.
Kind regards
xxx
To: Complaints@nct.org.uk
Subject: RE: NCT suggestion/feedback w.r.t baby loss
Sent: 25 November 2022
Hi xxx,
Thanks for your response, it’s very much appreciated.
I did not notice the text box at the time of booking (but perhaps this was because my husband booked the course), though as you say, I do feel that discussing this closer to the actual classes would be beneficial, as we booked our course months in advance. An explicit question that refers to fertility struggles or previous losses, may well prove a beneficial prompt.
I am so pleased that you will consider the suggestions alongside your senior managers to review, and hope that they come to the conclusion that a small change, may well make a huge difference.
Many thanks.
Have a great weekend,
Anjulie
From: Complaints@nct.org.uk
Subject: NCT suggestion/feedback w.r.t baby loss
Sent: 25 November 2022
Dear Anjulie,
Thank you for the reply.
We are grateful for you raising this with us so we can review how we offer expectant parents the opportunity to discuss previous loss or fertility issues with us, if they wish.
I wish you well as you start your maternity leave and for the arrival of your baby.
If there is anything else you would like to raise or any questions please do let me know.
Kind regards
xxx
To: Complaints@nct.org.uk
Subject: RE: NCT suggestion/feedback w.r.t baby loss
Sent: 25 November 2022
Thank you xxx.
If you could keep me updated on the outcome of the discussions (i.e. whether changes will or will not be introduced) further down the line, that would be very much appreciated.
Kind Regards
Anjulie
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